Why was I in such a hurry?

I couldn't WAIT to be a grownup.  Now that I've been one for many ~ahem~ decades, I imagine being young again.  I don't really wish to be younger... but I sure wouldn't mind having a younger metabolism.

Wednesday was my birthday.  And while I was drifting off to sleep for the night, it occurred to me that Thursday would be THE PERFECT day to start anew.  Better than New Year's day in fact.  My birthdays, our birthdays, your birthdays mark the beginning of a new year on this planet.  If you want to be technical and take into account the nine months prior, then that kind of complicates things... I'm choosing to not be technical.  In any case, regardless of the day of the week or the time of year, our birthdays ARE the perfect time to make resolutions, if you are so inclined.

So there I am in bed, feeling a small, sleepy rush of enthusiasm.  "I can do this" I thought.  "Small changes" I reasoned. "First kill the sugar and~" zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 

It's now just three days later and I wish I could report some semblance of an attempt towards a single small, incremental change... but alas, I cannot.  I'm really becoming a bit concerned about this.  About myself.  I'm continuing to gain weight.  NONE of my jeans fit.  I don't mean just a little bit, I mean not at all.  Can't even squeeze into them for Casual Friday at work anymore.

What do I want to say?  "IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"  That's what.  But of course it is.  It's completely my fault.  And I feel frustrated and grumpy.  And old...ish.

Were my metabolism what it used to be, well then, that would be another story.   A story of heavily (heavenly) sugared cinnamon toast, monsterously thick and simple bologna sandwiches on white bread and warm, toasty, frosted Pop Tarts.  Good lord, it's amazing I didn't have a diabetic puberty.  Yum ~er~  I mean Ugh.

Hm... seems my childhood comfort foods were all ... kind'a ... square.

No new news today.  I'm settling down for the night after a very busy few days at work and the anticipation of many more to come.  The days zip by, yay!  But then I get home and I'm even LESS inclined to exercise 'cuz I's tired!  Boooooo.

Yesterday's ice cream craving was too much for me to ignore.  But oh my goodness it was tasty.

And truly, no matter how successful I may be with my food choices (lately: not so much), if I don't work in some consistent exercise, then I'm just stuck at this weight.  I know that.  You know that.  We all know that.  And we also know the last thing anybody wants to do after a long day in the office and sub-zero temps outside is ...well ... ANYthing.  Except maybe eat an ice cream cone and go to bed.

(munch munch slurp crunch) Goodnight.  ~snork~

Brrrrrrrrrr...

It is ARCTIC outside!!  Brrrrrr!  And what better way to stave off the cold than with a nice, cozy, warming, comfy... ice cream cone?!!!  ACK!!!  I haven't actually put one together.  Yet.  But it's a'callin' me from the freezer. 

Dinner was reasonable and well-portioned (baked chicken breast, steamed asparagus and a corn on the cob) as was lunch but a little less so (a large cup of cheesy broccoli soup) as was breakfast, though not very balanced (two slices rye toast w/ Earth Balance butter and a glass of chocolate almond milk).  I snacked on a pear, an apple, several herby crackers and holy crap a seriously sweet and delicious Milky Way candy bar.  If I were to allow myself one daily sugar blast, I guess the Milky Way would be it, huh?  Psh.  You're no fun.

It seems everything I've read/heard these past couple months about how to:

• Lose weight
• Reduce inflammation
• Sleep better
• Feel younger
• Everything I want to do to better my physical health

all start with the same Bullet #1 which is (drum roll please) DUMP THE SUGAR.  Just shoot me now.  Shoot me with a bullet made of rock candy.  Tie me up with spun sugar, bind my hands with taffy, and shoot me up ~er~ shoot me.  Now.  Please.

Shall I indulge in a small chocolate ice cream cone or call it night, brush my teeth, read a few pages of my book d'jour?  I know what I SHOULD do but... what would YOU do?

2015...Already??!

Goodness gracious.  I'm reminded  of something my mother told me many, many (manymanymany) years ago... I may even have still been in my single-digits;  she said "Honey, you'll find out one day that time moves faster when you get older".  Oh how I tried to wrap my head around that.  I couldn't.  Until it happened.  Until one day I heard myself utter "where does the time g~... oooohhhhhhhh."

Anyway, it's almost 2 weeks into the new year (Happy New Year, by the way) and I've been avoiding the blog way before two weeks ago.  So many reasons to blog, so many more excuses not to.  But mostly it's losing the balance between Blog-Equals-Motivation (good!) and Blog-Equals-Accountability (baaaaaad).   ~siiiggggghhhhh~

I have nothing to share that I haven't shared a hundred times already, except maybe this: I am officially at my all time heaviest.  Seriously; my lifetime heaviest.  Please allow me a silent moment of self pity and wallow... ... ... ... ... ... (whimper whimper) ... ... ... ... ...

Thank you.

It feels like I'm trying to jump out from a diabolical round of Double Dutch. 
Benjamin Franklin went to France
To teach the ladies how to dance.
First the heel, and then the toe,
Spin around and out you go
~jump jump jump~ okay ... okay ... out I go ... wait a minute ... jump jump jump ... out I ... out I ... out I ... hold on ... jump jump jump ...  First the heal, and then the toe, Spin around and out I ... hold on ... jump jump jump ...

Maybe if I skipped the cookies for skipping rope, I'd actually friggin' lose some weight!!!  ARGHHHH!!!  Even my analogies are workin' against me!  What the hell, man!!!

So what am I to do, my faithful readers?  I motivate myself so easily, and fall off the wagon just as easily.  January brings convenient excuses, just getting through the foodiest season of the year and entering hibernation season (we're expecting sub-zero temperatures the next couple days, holy cow). 

I have everything I need to be successful: a modest goal (only 20 lbs weight loss), a treadmill, free weights, calm space in which to exercise, meditate and practice yoga, a dog that will take me for a walk any time I want, and just today I noticed it was a liiiiittle brighter than usual outside when I left the office (which is motivating in and of itself).  But I'm mired in this state of stagnancy.  And I'm feeling a little depressed about it.  And I'm feeling kind'a old.  And beat up.  And uncomfortable in my own skin, not to mention my dainties.  It's a sad situation when my bra (my once favorite bra) becomes uncomfortably tight without the benefit of needing a larger cup size.  Know what I'm sayin'?  At least I'd look better proportioned if The Girls gained weight with the rest of me. 

Whatever.  Now I'm just harping. 

And now I'll stop.  Y'know... I actually feel a little better.  I promise to try to be more diligent with my blogging (if any of you are still keeping an eye on me, even).  Pictures will resume.  And I'll try to get over myself and start making my way back to health and vibrancy.  I have things to do this year afterall: backpacking trips, yoga retreats, fishing vacations, motorcycle rides, lunch time jogs ... basically everything I used to do with ease. 

I WILL look like this again.